Review: Lone River Ranch Water, Complete Lineup
Let’s get it out of the way for the purists: Lone River Ranch Water is not ranch water. Like a packet of Hidden Valley ranch poured and then shaken into a lukewarm bottle of Dasani, which is literally both ranch and an approximation of water, it is ranch water in name only. While ranch water is an ultra-simple cocktail consisting of lime, tequila, and Topo-Chico, its namesake Ranch Water is a hard seltzer featuring key lime juice and agave nectar. And salt, apparently. So much salt.
Keep that in mind as we delve into the sundry offerings of Lone River Ranch Water, the market leader in malt-based, ranch water-inspired alcoholic beverages. It is not a canned cocktail. The branding is largely aspirational, appealing to a generation that craves authenticity; Zima and Smirnoff Ice walked so that Lone River Ranch Water could run down a state college quad in a Pendleton vest.
Each is 4% abv.
Lone River Ranch Water Original – In its simplicity, and salinity, the base Ranch Water has the moreishness of Gatorade. It’s dense, fizzy, salty, and undoubtedly refreshing on a hot day. But is it any good? Not really. Original lays bare all of the product’s problems: it smells of Flintstones vitamins and tastes like leftover fluid sitting in a tube of lime Pop-Ice. The agave nectar that’s intended as an approximation of tequila lacks the vegetal depth of cooked agave, instead giving the drink a honeyed finish. C-
Lone River Ranch Water Spicy – I’d imagine this is the most divisive of the Ranch Water offerings. I rather enjoyed it while acknowledging that it also gives off big Acid Reflux Vibes. It’s sufficiently spicy, distracting from the previous flavor’s flaws, while also inducing a pleasing salivary response. Not green in the slightest, the jalapeno is all post-palate, throat-numbing goodness. And that’s kind of alright. B-
Lone River Ranch Water Rio Red Grapefruit – The most authentically fruity of the flavors is also the most disappointing. That aforementioned Flinststonesian minerality flattens the sip. The citrus shows as pithy talcum powder, then a dusty spoonful of bitter table salt. D+
Lone River Ranch Water Prickly Pear – Prickly Pear begs the question: is this flavor currently a 12-pack exclusive in order to drive sales of the bundle, or is it exclusive because the company does not know how to market the cactus fruit? Because it is by far the most enjoyable, and honest, of the Lone River flavors. It’s a melony, sweet Jolly Rancher that says, “Yes, I am junk food and that is okay.” A late night Taco Bell run, Baja Blast of a drink. B
each $15 per 12-pack of 12 oz cans / loneriverbevco.com
Lone River Ranch Water Original
$15
